Next. Moving on. Transition. Passing the baton. Change. Going forward. My job. My life. My co-workers. My friends. My family.
All words circling my mind constantly over the past few weeks and even more so in the past few days. In these next couple of weeks, we are finishing up several “seasons” of life – Kevin, in his current training, and I, at my job. I’ve almost gotten “comfortable” in our current situation. I’m a sentimental, emotional, don’t-like-good-things-ending kind of person. Even though moving on doesn’t mean goodbye forever; even though moving on can mean growth and even better things to come; even though change is necessary…it’s still not easy. Apprehension, anxiety, fear. Who’s going to do my job like I do? Who’s going to tell me how my patient’s granddaughter’s wedding went or how much they enjoyed their trip out west? How am I going to keep up with my co-workers turned friends like I do face-to-face? Relationships, I will miss. Just two years isn’t enough time to spend with people, patients, friends. Selfishly, I wish I could leave on my own time and on my own terms (but, military life). Sometimes I don’t understand the why or the when. And ultimately, it’s sometimes best not to know…because these aren’t my plans but His. I don’t think it’s a mistake that I found this job, spent these two years doing what I’ve done, and met hundreds of wonderful people. And it’s also not a mistake that my time is coming to an end so that I can get ready for the next thing, whatever it may be. As I enter into a new season of temporary unemployment, I pray for direction and purpose. (Do we ever really know what we want to do ‘when we grow up?’) I typically [always] like routine and structure. It’s difficult to leave the comfort zone of a job, pass off the baton (confidently), and move on to something new…but that kind of change is what this blog [life] is all about – new growth. All in all, it’s not about the short amount of time I had in a job or phase of life, but that I [hopefully] had an impact on it as much as it did on me. I hopefully left something better behind. If you would, please be in prayer for us and for our safety as we make the upcoming road trip to our new home. As my mind is staying busy with packing, moving, lists, goodbyes [see you soon’s], projects, to-do’s, etc., I’m putting off this heartache that will come with leaving a home, job, and people I love so dearly. We look forward to our adventure and will update as we can! “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.” –Proverbs 3:5-6
0 Comments
This is not my typical post, but this was my Saturday project! I do not like starting things that I can't finish. And when I start something like a craft or a project (or a blog post), I usually have a hard time stopping for a break until it's done. And I have a hard time being "done" with something until it's exactly how I wanted or pictured it. So this morning when my mom asked me, "What are we going to do with all of these flowers?" ... I sighed. This wasn't the first (or second) time she had asked. I paused for a minute and debated ignoring her question, not wanting to confront the flowers upon flowers that have been hanging in the laundry room for the last two months (oops). BUT...knowing I wanted to do something special with our wedding flowers, I decided to make a decision today. So I Googled it, of course. I debated a shadow box, but that seemed too obvious, and I wasn't sure how my bouquet would fit in one. Plus, I'm also not sure how I feel about having a dry, now brownish, crunchy looking bouquet hanging in a box on my wall. So then I came across a picture of some random looking flower petals in a glass container of some sort. I tried Googling other similar ideas but with "wedding" in the search, and I couldn't find any other wedding bouquets or flowers in glass containers like I pictured in my mind. Either way, I took the idea and ran with it! I went to Walmart, Target, TJMaxx (twice), The Dollar Tree, and Michael's, comparing glass containers, vases, jars, etc. Somewhere along the way, I thought about incorporating the cork from our champagne bottle/wedding toast as well as my mom's wedding dress lace that was wrapped around my bouquet. I ran home, grabbed the cork, and kept looking for appropriately sized glass containers that would fit the cork. Jack pot! I found a big glass jug with another cork (easily removable) that fit the bill. I purchased it with my Michael's 40% off coupon (duh) for $6.53 - success! Without much of a plan of how to actually do this project (and praying that the flowers, leaves, etc. would actually squeeze through the glass jug opening without completely crumbling) I went to work, and now I'm pretty proud and happy with the outcome! Here's the result: There are not many things sweeter than coming home. Greeting your pet, snuggling up on your couch, enjoying a cup of coffee, sitting on the porch, sleeping in your own bed. Sometimes, when you’re in between physical homes, “home” becomes more of a person and less of a structure with four walls, a roof, windows, and doors. And when “home” becomes more of a person and less of a place, reunions are oh so sweet, and goodbyes are oh so hard. Thankfully, we are in the reunion stage. And my heart is smiling brighter than my face. Being 851 miles apart from your husband can easily make you very bitter, jealous, and depressed. It can consume and control your thoughts in the blink of an eye. Lonely nights, attending events alone, being a third wheel, dinners for one, phone calls for hours. It is hands down one of the biggest challenges I have faced, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. My long distance relationship (and now marriage) has taught me a lot about home. It has taught me a lot about appreciating and living in the moment. It has taught me a lot about Christ. I am thankful for long distance because it forces my marriage to be built on communication. And sometimes that’s all we have (thank you texting, facetime, and snapchat!) I am thankful for long distance because it transforms eating a sandwich for lunch with your husband on a Monday from mundane to extraordinary. Long distance pushes me to my limits, brings me to my most highs and lows, and forces me to love in ways that I don’t humanly understand how. I may not be able to touch and see and experience day to day things with Kevin right now, but I know he’s always there, loving me from a distance. This reminds me of how Christ loves us and how long distance reminds me of faith. I choose to put my faith in a God that I cannot see, touch, or feel, and He unconditionally loves me “from a distance.” I am thankful for this realization and for this season of life. I pray that we never forget these long distance days apart because they are very much the foundation to OUR story. And don’t get me wrong, I am over the moon EXCITED about finding ourselves a physical home together very soon. (We already have a realtor, eeeee!) In the same state. In the same city. Finally, in the same home. And as excited as I am to find a home together, move in, decorate, unpack those wedding gifts, etc…I have even greater comfort and excitement in one day living out our eternal home. If you're in a long distance relationship, my heart goes out to you. You are not alone, and you can do more than you imagine. “For though I am absent in body, yet I am with you in spirit, rejoicing to see your good order and the firmness of your faith in Christ.” –Colossians 2:5 So here we are, MARRIED! I cannot express enough how beautiful and joyful our wedding day was! I will forever remember how perfectly everything and everyone came together and how much love was felt that day.
But truth be told, every time I hear the question “how’s married life?” a piece of my heart just sighs and doesn’t want to answer. [Do I smile? Can I smile? Do I say it’s wonderful or great? Do I go into all of the details of our situation? If I do, maybe they don’t really want to know or care. Then comes the ‘oh, how unfortunate’ or ‘I’m so sorry, that must be so hard’ or 'distance makes the heart grow fonder.' Really? How convincing can I sound? What do I do?] Yes, I get it. It’s not quite ideal (or natural) to get married, spend a week in Jamaica feeling on top of the world…and then spend 4 months apart. And it’s only been 2 weeks...that's it. We don’t get to enjoy the first few months of marriage happily together in our newlywed home. We don’t get to start cooking dinners together, going on nightly walks, or finding our new “married routine.” We don’t get to use our new wedding gifts or go on spontaneous date nights. Instead, we get to encourage each other through text messages and prayer. We get to look forward to facetime and phone calls. We get to update daily countdowns until the next time we can see each other face to face. And we get to miss each other a whole, whole lot and appreciate more and more every second that we DO spend together. As pitiful as I have felt over the past 2 weeks, I have learned now more than ever that I cannot do anything on my own. My plans are nothing compared to His, and only by His grace and guidance can I do any of this. Where I am weak and discouraged, my husband has been strong and encouraging. And through him, I often see Christ’s unwavering love. I am forever grateful for technology and plane tickets (3 more weeks!) and for the strength found through this experience. *Please do forgive me for any of the whining, frowns, complaints, or grumpy moods recently…I’m working on it!* Two more weeks until we make this thing official and I become an Escobedo, finally! After two and a half years of driving back and forth between Birmingham and Columbus, we are just two weeks away from a new chapter. Through all of the planning, decisions, ups, and downs, all I can think about is how faithful our Lord is. There is no way I would have imagined myself in the place I am now, but here we are. Here we are running last minute wedding errands and making last minute details come together. Here we are finalizing our itinerary to Jamaica for a week of much needed paradise and relaxation. Here we are going through our "stuff" deciding what to keep and what to donate. Here we are with everything (together) piled high, ready for the movers to come pack it all up and move it in 4 days. [It's harder than I would like to admit saying goodbye to things you won't see for 6 months. But, if anything, I've learned that things are just things.] Here we are planning visits to and from Oklahoma as Kevin goes through training. Here we are spending too much time on Zillow and Petfinder, researching our soon-to-be new city and home, bribing friends and family to come visit us (please come!), and making oh so many plans together. And, honestly, there's nowhere I would rather be. This is quite surprising to me because I have been somewhat of a "comfort zone" type of person lately. I mean who really enjoys being uncomfortable, right?
I started this blog this year as a way for me to not only recognize but also accept and embrace the changes and growth around and within me. I also wanted a way to keep up with and share all of the adventures life throws at us. I can assure you that 3 years ago I would have told you "you're crazy" if you mentioned the idea that I would marry into the military and move across the country to Washington State. I can assure you that I knew nothing about the Air Force or planes or marriage or the Pacific Northwest or any of what is about to become our new chapter of life. (And I still have a lot to learn...ahem, how to drive in the snow). But all of these changes and "here we are" moments help me to better understand the love of Christ. Through these moments and milestones, I trust in Him and I find worth and purpose in His will for my life. "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11 "We won't be distracted by comparison if we're captivated with purpose."
Easier said than done, right? I'm guilty of comparison. It's almost next to impossible to go through a day without comparing yourself, your life, your job, your things, your opinions, your decisions, your family, something, anything to someone else. Someone or something else is always going to look bigger and better. That's true for the flip side...but we tend to focus on the "better" (ahem, what we don't have, we think we want more...who we aren't, we think we want to be). When we focus on what others have or who they are, we seem to lose purpose. If I spend my days comparing, I become less and less, while "they" or "it" or something [becomes] appears more and more. I emphasize "appearance" because it's not the truth. Example: sometimes I spend my days comparing my relationship, engagement, upcoming wedding, life experiences, education, job, family, friends, things in general to everybody else. Shouldn't I be back in school like "everyone else"? Why don't I have a house of my own? Wouldn't it be easier if both of our families lived in the same state? Wouldn't it be nice if we didn't have to move across the country? Isn't it unfair that we have to spend the first four months of marriage mostly apart? Why do I not have (that) or get to do (this)? These are the lies that fill my head when I compare me to you. These are the comparisons that kill my joy and purpose. The reality is that I am who I am, and you are who you are. We are all created by He who values differences -- differences that bring many, many talents and experiences to the table. Some of us are teachers and some listeners; some practice music and some practice sports; some are rich and others poor; some are outgoing and some are quiet, and so on. The idea here? Despite our personalities, relationships, lifestyles, possessions, we're all His children, and we all have a purpose. My purpose is to be a daughter, a sister, a fiancé, a nurse, a coworker, or a friend. At times I'm a comforter for a friend, a listener for a coworker, or a teacher for a patient. Sometimes I focus on being a daughter and spending time with my parents, or being a "cat mom", doing what it takes to care for Catsby Gatsby on a daily basis (ha!). But above all else, I'm serving a bigger purpose in everything I do : a purpose that doesn't compare our doubts, our jealousies, our insecurities or fears. Being captivated in living out this purpose diminishes the temptation to look across the room or to click on the post or the picture that tells me I am somehow not enough. Living out my purpose doesn't include constant thoughts and comparisons of what I should or could or would be, or anything other than myself. Living out my purpose does include loving others and valuing who I am because of who He is. "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -- his good, pleasing and perfect will." -Romans 12:2 One week ago today, we were ringing in the New Year - 2017. So much to look forward to, so many goals, ideas, new beginnings, etc...you get the idea. Confession? Week one set a low bar. I spent most of the week stressed. Because if I'm honest with myself, 2017 scares me. Why? Because 2017 brings a lot of change.
For starters, three months from tomorrow I get married. Believe me, I am extremely excited about April 8th and our wedding. But with weddings, comes planning. And with planning, comes decisions, details, and more planning. A sense of urgency hit me on January 1st, and I spent this week over-thinking everything that I have left to do, everything I have already done, and more. To add to the mix, I am also moving in two weeks. Maybe not across the country yet, but nonetheless moving out of my current house. For months I have been going through drawers and closets cleaning out the most ridiculous things that I have held on to. (Seriously, who keeps homework assignments from middle school and movie ticket stubs that you can't even read anymore?!) Anyways. Despite my preparation, I felt the same overwhelming sense of urgency about moving that I did about the wedding. Flash back. The holidays were particularly difficult for me this year. I found myself taking in each moment extra carefully because all I could think about was change. The change in getting married and starting a new life with someone, which means sharing the holidays. The change in moving across the country, which means being far away from friends and family for longer periods of time. The change of quitting a job you love, which means unemployment and excessive free time. I found myself more than willing to participate in family Christmas tree-decorating and cookie-baking this year. I found myself tearing up instead of singing along as my church family sang 'Silent Night' throughout a candle-lit room that I consider home. I found myself staying a little longer, hugging a little tighter, and breathing in a little deeper. Fast forward to this weekend. After an errand-packed, non-stop, stressful, busy week, I was looking forward to spending time with my wonderful fiancé and (of course) completing more items on my never-ending to-do list. Change of plans: Kevin couldn't make the trip to Birmingham due to the roads, and nothing has been checked off of my to-do list. This weekend forced me to slow down. And, I will admit I have been a little bitter about the snow/ice slowing me down. It has kept me inside my house, forcing me to either wallow in self-pity or take the time to reflect and look on the bright side. I did a lot of the first option until tonight. I have been watching too much Netflix, eating left-over Chinese food and peanut butter sandwiches, and feeling sorry for myself. But something inside of me finally stopped worrying about all of the details and the lists and the changes. Yes, change is scary and unknown and different. Yes, I have a lot more change in 2017 than my typical New Year. But, no, change is not the bad thing I've been making it out to be. Change is just uncomfortable, but so is staying the same. Change brings about new opportunities and new growth. So here's to 2017: a new year with much change, many opportunities, and a lifetime of growth! |